"Dear Future Husband"

This post was originally posted on October 20, 2014.

Well, hello there, you sexy thing! How you doin'??? 

Aw, I look pretty tonight? You are such a good liar! I know how much you love me no makeup, still probably stinky from the gym, a mountain of a zit rockin' it on my chin. Ya, I'm amazed I'm not photographed more often, too! I'm hot!

So hey listen, there's a few things I'd like to say before we make this Facebook official. Ya know, just to get all the crazy out now, so then we can spend forever in Happily Ever After Land with rainbows and butterflies... actually, I kind of hate butterflies. I mean, they are pretty, but still insects, insects that fly and well, with my past issues with birds, butterflies fit into that same category. Far away or in pictures, sure thing, sitting on my shoulder or flying super close, absolutely not. 

In my best efforts to make this painless for the both of us, I've made a list of "marriage hacks" that I think would help us get started. Yes, of course you can grab a beer, hand me one too? Thanks!

1) 85% of the time I talk, I have no idea what comes out of my mouth... just nod and add sounds. I blame my only-childness for my word vomit. Hell, I'll talk to myself if you're not around just to fill the soundless space. I mean well, but my brain just has it's own inner monologue. I realize that makes me insane but hell, it got you!

2) I refuse to look sexy while eating a burrito, wings, pizza, burger, corn on the cob or ribs. It's just uncalled for and completely unnecessary. I will, however, find you eating these things sexy, because honestly, you're cute. 

3) If your "boys" call you to go to "boy" things, gooooooo!!!! I get a day where I can paint my toes, read a dirty chick-lit book, drink shitty, box wine and watch Gilmore Girls... again. I know how much you love all of those things, but it's a sacrifice you'll have to make. 

       a) If the "boy" thing is paintball, please, please, pretty please, invite me to go! I promise not to cry if I get hit, and I've got your back! 

       b) If the "boy" thing is football, pshhh I'm making the plans anyway. Your friends will be invited only if they can talk trash and keep up.... and are NOT Bears Fans. (Hard no!)

      c) Don't kill yourself doing something stupid. We both know your friends aren't the smartest bunch.

4) Independence. Freedom. Forefathers....or Four Fathers. 'merica. Sorry, adhd moment. I'm pretty independent and self-sufficient. That doesn't mean I don't need or want you, but I need space. It's an honor to know that you're thinking of me when we are not together, but I don't need to know exactly how many Cheetos you crammed into your mouth during a lunch dare... actually, that's something I'd like to know. Send me the video. However, I don't need the step by step log of exactly what you're doing at all times. I know you're breathing without my presence. Enjoy it cus when you get home we're gonna snuggle!!!

5) I know very little about football except that I love it and will yell when appropriate. I've spent years learning names, and staring at butts. I know what I need to know. Just find it endearing and teach me everything you know. Also, I am currently #1 in my fantasy league without trying one bit. I picked at slight random and by hotness. I'm not sorry! 

6) Farting is hilarious.

7) There are bad Will Ferrell movies BUT Step Brothers, Wedding Crashers, The Other Guys, Elf, and Anchorman, trump almost every other movie on movie night. I can watch any of these every day for the rest of my life and still laugh. 

8) Speaking of movies, if you don't find The Birdcage one of the best movies ever, we should just end this now. Also, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is better than ANY other Christmas movie. I am more serious about this than football or God.

9) Please agree when I say that "I watch The Bachelor ironically"and I wont tell anyone you watch it with me. I wont even tell them you text me Monday afternoons to remind me it's on. 

10) My parents will know way too much information about you. It's just better that way. 

11) They will also be the coolest people you'll ever meet. I'll love yours but they just aren't as cool, sorry. Hendricks for Dad, a hug for Mom, and you're in. 

12) I have a million stories. You've probably heard all of them at least once, so buckle up, there's going to be a third time. I may also tend to teeter on the line of inappropriate, it's best to just find that endearing too. 

13) Lucky #13. I don't know if I believe in "Good Luck". I believe things happen mostly for a reason. The good, the bad, the ugly. So luck doesn't really have anything to do with it. Everyone has different paths and ours crossed at the right time. (Foreshadowing maybe...)

14) My party side is all talk. Of course, I love exploring and going out once in a while, but I love being curled up on the couch, binge watching something on Netflix, pinning our dream life on Pinterest and probably asleep by 10pm. I'd prefer a pub or bar where we can actually hear each other laugh than a club full of smelly, teen-wannabes with the bass pounding through our brains. Does that make me old or just sophisticated? I hope the latter. 

15) You don't have to tell me I'm pretty or perfect or "totally, the best ever". Just smile, laugh at my sad attempt for jokes and hold my hand. It's really that easy. 

Check in- You still there? I hope so. Life will be full of the unexpected and unknown, but knowing you're by my side will make all the difference. We wont always be able to follow the rules or even have time to review them, we just have to move forward. I can't always promise that it will be "happily ever after" but I can promise that with love even "ever after" will be enough. 

Yours, forever and always,


PS I reserve the right to change my mind whenever, where ever need be as part of Rule #29857 in Girl Code.