"The Dark Side"

This post was originally shared on October 12, 2014.

Dear the little voice of doubt, fear, rejection, depression and hatred in my head, 

FUCK OFF!

Love Margaret Caroline Hudson

ps. I will prove you wrong!

OK, so first, I apologize for the cursing. I can almost hear my mother gasping as she reads this, and Mom, I am truly sorry. I don't know how else to dive right into a topic that I've battled discussing since I started this blog-venture. It's unlike anything else I've posted and honestly, it's not a side I choose to let most people see. It's much easier to be the happy-go-lucky, cheerful, sun shining out of my ass, care-free girl that most have come to know. And I'm still that girl, I promise. You don't have to send troops in to pick me up and this is certainly not a call for help or pity or even recognition. I feel like this is 100% relatable to my audience and will bring up a jumping off point for future discussions about life and how we live. I've discussed, probably at nauseam, about being happy and grateful for the life I have, and how "hashtag" blessed I am, which I am, but I'd like to officially welcome you to the dark side. Bring your Disney Princess flashlight, it's about to get real. 

I can have a relatively great day, I enjoy my job and I don't bring any major work issues home with me, even the nastiest of customers are a challenge, but a challenge I enjoy. I work with an extremely sweet and caring group of people on a daily basis and have enough responsibility to keep me busy, but not too much to be overwhelmed often. I have a few close friends at work and plenty outside who keep me sane and smiling. After a regular day at work, I usually call home to my parents after my day to "check-in" and catch-up, hearing about their always adventuresome retired days. In all of these moments, I'm at a 7-9 on a 10-scale happiness, fully exhausted from spending most of my day talking, but happy nonetheless. It's not until I'm in the quietness of the train ride under the river, speech-less that the little voice creeps in. 

The voice that wonders: Am I in a rut? Am I doing the right thing for my future? Does the guy everyone says I'm worthy of actually exist? Will I be one of the older, single women working and going home to an empty apartment with a cat companion? Am I always going to be stuck in the "friend-zone?" What if I never fall in love? What if I fall in love and he cheats? What if he doesn't love me back? Am I attractive? Am I weird? Am I crazy? Why am I not like the other women my age who go out and do things? Why am I not pretty like them? When will I actually feel 100% comfortable in my body? Ever? Why do I feel alone in a world full of people who I know and love? Is there something wrong with me? What if someone I love gets sick? What if I get sick? What if I can't have kids? What if I go my whole life without anything else? What am I doing with my life? What's happening to me?

And in a matter of a 12 minute train ride, I've clouded every happy thought with enough self-doubt and hate that I become unrecognizable, the girl who loved life is left in the city that never sleeps. 

The funny side of me views this as a need to relocate to Central Park South immediately, but the girl deep down is crying. I want to live a life I'm proud of. I have NO CLUE what that means though. I enjoy working, but eventually need a change, to progress. To what or where? Not really sure. There are a lot of things that interest me, sometimes even too many options. I'm envious of those who grow up saying "I'm going to be a doctor" and then do it. I'm overwhelmed by the opportunities available and wish that I still had an 8-sided die around so I could make an easier decision. Suggestions are welcome!

I'd love to have a family of my own one day but it's not as easy as The Game of Life. Spin 5, move 5 spaces and get married. Where's the "Have an Awkward First Date with a man-child with snaggle teeth who attempts to make out with you in a movie theater LIFE TILE" space? Oh, it doesn't exist? COOOOL! What about "Stand by, single, while your friends all find love LIFE TILE"? Not that one either...awesome! I love, love, love that I have had the honor to watch my closest friends fall in love and marry their husbands but if one more person says "You're a great girl, the right guy will come when you least expect it", I'm going to listen quietly, nod and then cry later listening to Coldplay. I'm not trying to rush things and I'm not looking to get married and fast forward BUT, it'd be nice to know that I am not completely repulsive to the male species or just "one of the guys". I love football, dick jokes and game of thrones, but that doesn't make me a dude...mostly because I have boobs. I also don't care if the guy has his own friends and wants to hang out with them or do "man" things without me. Ironically, I don't think he would enjoy watching the ungodly amount of trash television I enjoy or pinning my dream life on Pinterest, we can compromise. I don't think I'm asking for too much, but I'm a season away from applying for a spot on The Bachelor

Obviously, I'm not as crazy as the chicks on The Bachelor, so that rules me right out of casting, but I'm also not a size 4. There is not a reality where I would go trampsing around in a string bikini in Beverly Hills for fun, and I'm sooo ok with that. Even if I woke up tomorrow with a size 4 body, I wouldn't be wearing a bikini...just pasties and a smile. Just kidding. (Someone check on my mother, has she had a heart attack yet?) But in all seriousness, after years of hating everything about my body, I've learned to accept it and work to love it. Scars from surgeries, stretch marks from weight loss, marks from burns or cuts, and a tattoo of hope, make up who I am, each and every inch. There are days when I look in the mirror, roll my eyes and say "this is as good as it's gonna get" and then there are other days when I think "wow, today, I look pretty good." Not every day is the latter, but little by little they increase. No one else can exercise for me, they can't eat veggies and give me the nutrients, there isn't a magical pill to make it all better. I have to do it for me and my future. 

In my darkest of days several years ago, days when I believed my dream of having a family, a baby of my own, were completely unknown and almost unlikely, I gave up. I didn't care what I ate, I didn't care if I went to the gym or laid in bed watching Dawson's Creek (don't hate, Pacey & Joey forever!). Why bother if no one could love me? I never seriously thought about being a mom, but taking that choice away from me instantly made me long for a family of my own. I hated myself for not caring in the past. I hated myself and my body for stealing my future from me. Most 20yr old girls are thinking about not getting pregnant, and here I was fearful that I wouldn't even have a shot. 

Now, even as that little voice speaks doubt, I can tell it that I am healthy again. I've regained control of my weight issues and apparently, my lady-business has taken note. (TMI, I know) The dreams of a wild pack of boys, with a little princess among them laughing, isn't a lost dream. One day, not in the near future, but in the healthy future, when I've found the right man who will love me for all of me, even on my dark days, for the flaws and scars, joyfulness and quiet, because he HAS to exist somewhere, we can welcome a brood of crazy into the world. 

Even in talking all of this through, I find a sense of peace, a calming of the boiling water. I've silenced the questions that haunt my silence, with slightly vague, but fulfilling answers. Some questions will always remain, others will interchange as my life continues, but the questions make us human. We are meant to feel, to bleed, to recover, maybe to fall again, but to stand on two feet and continue forward. 

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
’Cause I’m only human
— christina perri "human"