"Dear Ryan Gosling"

This post was originally shared on December 18, 2014 and it should be known, after writing this, I had to give up Yellowtail Pinot Grigio for at least 8 months.

WARNING: This letter is not, in fact, to the darling, Ryan Gosling, although, I would like to publicly admit how my love for him will never waiver even if Eva Mendez has stolen his heart and sperm to create the world's most perfect baby.

Dear Ryan Gosling,

Please put your shirt back on. Your abs are distracting and your hip V is just plain cruel. 

First, thank you! Thank you for the wonderful memories I have of our friendship. Thank you for the hours of conversation, the countless laughs and for putting up with me after one too many cocktails that were totally your idea. Thank you for being my companion in dark times, in joyous celebration and in the minute regular moments that seemed to shine brighter with you in them. These memories are what I hold dear, after all these years. I owe a part of who I have become to you. Thank you. 

There are times when I look back and it feels like someone else's life or that I'm watching a movie. The girl I was seems gawky and unfamiliar to the woman I am today. On some days, when the sun doesn't shine as bright or a memory fades in from our days, that girl slowly emerges from her seat in the corner with thoughts of longing and desperation. The longing to set free the love she harbored inside instead of sharing with fear of rejection. As if that could be worse than the walls I've built around our story. 

Now, years later, those memories still seem break my heart all over again. Wishing that I had taken the moment to actually say what I felt from the beginning, without fear or care whether it mattered at all, just to let my heart be free. 

I loved you. Hell, a part of me now probably still does. Even after these years, after I watched you love someone else, live a completely different life and be happy with that, a small part of my heart would fight back the reason and strength of my brain and soul, just for another moment, another breath.

And honestly, I hate that part of me. I put you up on a pedestal in an alternate universe that didn't exist, where you were lovable yet untouchable, a pedestal you did nothing to earn or even want, or even belong. I compared others to you as if you were some God instead of what you truly were, just a man. Somehow the moments we had were just time passing when in my mind it was much more. My moments had shine, life and love. I kept quiet for the sake of our friendship, with the fear of my truth pushing you away, repelling instead of closing the gap. Sadly now, there isn't even a friendship to regain. 

I tell myself I've moved on and put that passed me, that I know what I want in my life and how I won't settle for someone who won't love me like that, that someday the right guy will sweep me off my feet and leave any thought of you in the dust and that he'll love me unconditionally with his whole heart. 

After years of pretending that part of my past has died, taking you along with it, by some twist of fate or cosmic meddling, here you are, back to relive some brief moments of the past. Reaching out from the world you've built, remembering what we once had, giving my heart the hope that you came for me, that deep down you have loved me all along. A perfect When Harry Met Sally moment that ends in a happily ever fairy tale.

Well, here I stand and, like all the other times, you've disappeared. I'm here alone in a city filled with love and life, feeling even more broken than I was before. And against every fiber in my soul, I find myself heading back into that dark corner where that girl used to sit. 

No, I won't, I CAN'T, let that happen. I will not let you prey and hunt the one person I've learned to love more than anyone else. She has been the one who will be there, even when the tears fall, she will be there in moments of weakness and in strength to guide me through. She will encourage me to charge forward, face my fears and fly, no, soar. 

I can't change my past, even if it's messy, complicated and full of hurt, because there are so many moments of joy in there. Together, they've built me and I will soldier on with hope, faith, love, inspiration and wit. 

And one day, when your name means nothing to me, when your memory is blurry and full of laughs, we may meet and regale on the wonderful times we had. My love for you will be nothing but a crush as I will have had the best love of my life. I look forward to that day and wish you nothing but happiness and true love. 

with best wishes,

My heart